DEOSTER | JOURNAL

2026

June

2026-06-11 | A brief update.

I am nowhere near perfect nor even well, but I feel quite a bit better today than I have for the past few days. A few things have helped this: firstly, gritting my teeth and getting the most pressing responsibilities of the day done with as early as possible, so as to allow myself a bit of lenience and less-guilty lethargy the rest of the day—I find this helps a lot and is much better than the horribly draining process of dreading a task for the entire day before either doing it in horrible mental pain or abandoning it entirely; secondly, I have begun reading Henry David Thoreau's Walden and am enjoying and being inspired by it greatly—Thoreau reminds me of Ralph Waldo Emerson (only naturally as they were both American Transcendentalists), but I personally find Thoreau a bit more personable and likeable from the relatively little I've read of both of them; thirdly, the company and companionship of loved ones and friends near and far is of course always good and grounding and soothing—thank you L., thank you W., and thank you drummyfish, who I haven't interacted much with directly but whose page "Cope" on his wiki was genuinely helpful, and whose compassion I admire greatly; lastly, there is of course music, which doesn't quite heal but is as singular and indispensable of a companion as one could ask for—for as much as I might dislike elements of modern technology I am extremely grateful to live in a time where I can hear the sounds of Pharoah Sanders and Alice Coltrane on a whim.

Take care!

2026-06-09 | Unfortunately, I am depressed.

I have been of turbulent mind the past few months or so but this past week I have become truly depressed. Oops!

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR ME:

Whining.
Wanting to hit myself, cut myself, and kill myself.
Hitting myself, because it's very easy to do and not too bad. Maybe cutting myself, it's a bit harder and scarier but the scars are cool. Not killing myself—too scary and I have commitment issues.
Spending a lot of time using the internet in bad ways.
Thinking I have everything figured out late every night and knowing I will turn around my life the next morning before waking up and not doing anything.
Becoming hateful towards everything and gaining more spiteful and antisocial mental behaviors and beliefs.
Even more tired all the time than usual (thought impossible). And probably more headaches and stomach problems, or more sensitivity to such problems.
Possible burst of creative genius. (maybe??? this has only happened once.)

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU:

Not very frequent website updates (it just got online so you should be ok).
I might whine a lot in this section (see above). Please ignore if it's irritating.
Possibly see results of burst of creative genius (as already mentioned, not very likely).

I just started an online summer class yesterday that is maybe going to help me keep some routine (which I am terrible at in the best of times and have literally never had, but people say it's very good), but is maybe going to make me feel worse because I don't really like mathematics because I am not smart/autistic enough to enjoy numbers without stories attached to them but feel like I should be.

I set a strict schedule for myself yesterday which I generally kept to but felt tired all day and this morning I did not keep to my schedule at all and stayed in bed and was sad for a long time. I opened up a book of the works of Samuel Johnson last night in hopes that I would get inspired or uplifted by some classic English literature and I read the introduction only to find out that he was depressed too. I got distracted by this fact and didn't even end up finishing the introduction, but I found out about some other interesting people from the past that were depressed.

William James had existential depression in his twenties, which is silly because I got over that when I was thirteen. I am bragging but I should not—I'm depressed about even stupider things now. He got better by reading poetry and being out in nature. I can (and should) read more poetry, but sometimes nature here is depressing because people are evil cattle and throw trash everywhere or play loud music outside, and you never stop hearing cars that remind you that you can never escape. I guess nature is fake now anyways because of Gestell or something.

I hope the next entry is better than this but it probably won't be. If I can see to my affairs properly and get some amount of motivation I still want to make some cool (actually bad, inept, stupid, etc.) shell scripts for this website.

2026-06-05 | A Few Quick Updates, in Lieu of a ”Recent Updates” Page

I'm still trying to figure out how I want to display site updates on the main page and I'm heavily considering putting together some shell scripts that compile such updates and mark on pages when they were last updated and so on and so forth. But right now I'm laaazy so here are some of the things I've done since uploading the site:

Fixed the font so it doesn't use different fonts on different browsers that are unreadable (if you visited this page RIGHT as I uploaded it you might want to clear your cache for this to take effect)
Added navigation arrows so you can easily move between the yearly galleries in the ART section.
Added a GUESTBOOK to the front page :D

The next thing in store is probably an "essays" section in the WRITING section. I actually have barely written any of these so this might take some time for me to package some of my ideas into actual writing. I also might take a small break from just working on this site and actually live, lol.

2026-06-04 | Website Live

Deoster.net is live!!! After working on the html for a few months (and scrapping it and starting over about four times) I have something really on the internet! This is incredibly exciting. Most of the "content" is here already in terms of the art/music/games/etc. and will be updated gradually as I make more stuff. The immediate priority now that it's online is some technical/style stuff, like a "recent updates" section to the front page, some CSS tweaks (not a huge fan of how this font looks in all browsers, I'm only now realizing), and maybe something like a guestbook. Then it'll be work on the shrines, because those are very underdeveloped. With all that being said, it just feels very good to have an online space available to visit that's completely my own. Anyone reading this, thank you for visiting!

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